Rene van der Gijp: winger and joker…

Every now and then, Holland produces a player who never achieves his potential as a player but does achieve a status after his career. Rene van der Gijp, brilliant but inconsistent on the wing (ex-PSV, ex-Feyenoord, ex-Oranje) and now a successful comedian/storyteller.

“Rinus Michels was my great idol. As a comedian. The man couldn’t have been serious. That voice! And he had so much humor. I’d sometimes visit the loo when Michels was having a pee as well. Whenever I’d be next to him, I’d fart, really loud. He wouldn’t look up, but only say: Can I hear that sound one more time? Like in that old quiz show, hahahaa…. He was weird. I think half the time he was putting us on. Every time before an Oranje match, he’d do group tactical meetings, and then he’d ask all the players to come in individually into his hotel room. There he’d sit. Behind his desk. One time, we had to play Cyprus and Ruud Gullit and I had to come in together. We’d sit down and Rinus would say: “So, gentlemen…tomorrow Cyprus”. And that was it! He’d let us go after that statement. In the hotel hallway, Ruud and I looked at each other and collapsed laughing. What a master he was…”

Rene van der Gijp, you can invite him – you’d have to pay though – for all your parties and weddings. Does he visit the theatre a lot? “Never, but I go outside. That’s where I get my inspiration.”

“I sometimes wonder if I’m followed by bad luck. Always on the wrong spot and the wrong time. During the last EC, I traveled there as a press officer. I found myself in this pathetic hotel outside of Geneva. And I was the only guest. At night, I’d sit alone in my shorts, looking down on this deserted shopping street. The only thing I saw, was a dog. A lone dog.”

So, his management booked a room for him in the Beau Rivage in Lausanne. The only suite available, the Bride Suite. “In the morning I bump into a press officer of the KNVB. Did they book me into the same hotel as Oranje! The guy said: impossible, we took all the rooms! Well, not the bride suite, obviously… He said: no, that’s right. Too expensive… hahahaaa….”

“And what a horrible vibe it was. Unbelievable. All these sincere looking men with things in their ears. And the players and the staff. Not a smile, not a “good morning”. Looking straight ahead, ipod on the head, laptop under their arm. When I came into the restaurant, I could hear one of those CIA guys speak into his microphone: “he’s walking to the breakfast buffet now…”. I felt like Jack Nicholson in the Cuckoo’s Nest. And our players arrive in big shaded Mercedes Benzes… Totally crazy! I’d like to yell: hey, it’s only football man!”

At the court of King Football, awash with money, power, ego and macho Rene van der Gijp is the jester. A former pro who can enjoy the insanity of today’s football.

“I can’t take most of them serious anymore. Royston Drenthe says: life is a circle… I go: what? And that Van Basten… Running along the touchline to the linesman, with his crooked ankle. He said to the man: “if that is not off side when we watch the monitor later on, well….” I am totally flabbergasted! What would Marco do to that poor linesman? I’d like to know…”

“Or Huub Stevens… When he was still at PSV, some journo asked him why he brought Lazovic so late… And Stevens says: “I won’t answer that!” and he looks away, angry. I peed in my pants, really. And I think, Jeez Huub…you even won this match. Loosen up! So now people say Hiddink is the ideal people manager…. Bullshit. Hiddink is just a normal guy, acting normal. And apparently that makes him special.”

“It’s sad. People take themselves so serious… Why not go to the press conference and say: yeah, I made a mistake. With what I know now, I should have done it differently. My mistake… And the analists on tv with their laptop… They claim there was a perfect cross and that striker should have scored… What a bunch of crap. It doesn’t work like that. And those guys are all ex-players spouting out that nonsense too.”

“Or take the EC1988 goal… Marco van Basten in the finals. The Muhren cross wasn’t good. It was too deep. But Marco takes it on the slipper and bam…goal. Did you see his face? Did you see Vanenburg’s reaction? And Michels’? Total disbelief. It was a lucky. And at the last EC, after three games, most experts were shitting themselves. They all though Marco would fail miserably. And then we cruise through the groups stages. And again Russia, in the first five minutes I could see it. Slow…players weren’t fresh. Porridge in the legs, I always call it… And then you should hope that the opponent can’t deliver either. Well…not this time… That’s football.”

Gijp is a public speaker these days. Popular amongst companies and sport clubs. And he loves to take the mickey out of the football world. He never took himself serious, he says. “Why would I? It’s a game. It’s supposed to be fun. Do you think the end result of a match ever influenced my mood. Come on! I was selected for the EC1988 but got injured. That’s how it goes.”

“Once I had to interview Peter van Vossen at Ajax. Louis van Gaal was coach there. I stepped onto the pitch, one foot over the touch line… Van Gaal runs towards me and screams: do you know who’s the boss here? And I say: I guess you are… Blind and Frank de Boer fell over laughing. I said: Louis, did you forget I did your dirty work on the pitch at Sparta when we played together?

It’s good fun. Whenever Dick Advocaat sees me, I can see panic on his face, haha… Oh God, Van der Gijp…. I trained under Dickie at SVV. He said: on one condition. Never make a fool out of me. I said: sure. At the first lunch, I unscrewed the top of the salt shaker. And yes, Dickie wants more salt in his soup and takes the shaker. Bang, all the salt in his bowl, hahahahaaaa…. Lame? Yes. But I’m an anarchist….”

Sometimes, sadness and melancholy takes over. “I can laugh about it, but that’s also a mask. Sometimes it gets to me. So many serious topics and issues in the world and most people can only get passionate about that bloody football…”

The man could score goals… Great compilation, with Louis van Gaal, Ruud Gullit and Halvar Thoressen.