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A failing Panenka is the most beautiful thing…

May 8th, 2009 | By: Jan | 37 Comments »

This is how Joey could have stopped that Suarez penalty…

Ajax had a tiny chance to play themselves back into Champions League mode against AZ Alkmaar. Luis Suarez got to take a penalty. It was a crucial one. The equalizer. Luis decided to do it flashy: with a panenka. And it failed. Nico Dijkshoorn, my fave author at the moment, wrote this piece for VI.

A failed panenka. That’s some concept. And in particular when you don’t have a clue what it’s about. I tried it out at a series of shops. Could I please have 100 grams of thinly sliced panenka? And off they went, to try and find the Italian ham-variety. It must fill the heads of non-football fans with all sorts of wonderful images. A failed panenka. That’s the beauty of the word: it can be anything…

Is it a fluffed out piece of pastry? A gymnastics excercise? “And there it is…no…oh that’s a shame. A failed panenka!”. And then the images of a gymnast sitting on his bum on the mat, looking confused and ashamed. It could easily be a meat dish. Something you’d send back. And Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen: “I fucking told you that we shouldn’t have that fucking panenka on the fucking menu and what do they fucking send back? A fucking failed panenka!”.

But if you do know what a failed panenka is, than the world gets even brighter. Because nothing fails better than a panenka. Ok, for all you hermits out there: a panenka is a weirdly taken penalty, named after the man who did it first: Antonin Panenka. In the finals of the 1976 EC, to be precise. Short run up, making the goalie belief you’ll hit the ball till Sunday and than a chip. The goalie dives towards the post and the ball slowly floats into the goal. Keeper humiliated, goal, hurray.

And I saw it happen on tv. And went berserk. Sep Maier was sent into the corner of the goal like a ball of wool. And he magically blew the ball into the net. I remember what happened to me. First, my body started moving. You get that with magical sports moments. You get up. I’m sure thousands of guys were standing in the middle of the room, watching the penalty being scored, with their hands on their heads.

It was too gutsy, too much innovation to take in at once. It was the perfect combination of courage, technical skills, show, effectiveness, humiliation and mad geniality. When Panenka ran to his mates, cheering, I realized what had happened. He didn’t feel his nerves at the most important moment of his career.

It was like taking out your fake teeth at a job interview, make it click a well-known poptune and still land the job. Winning with provocation. And you actually believed the momentary laps of reason. He made it all up while taking the run up to the ball. That’s what it looked like.

In the years after, many players scored using the panenka. Which sounds pathetic and it is. Doing something with flair that already has been done. And most of the times, players deploy it when they lead 6-0. Actually, if I was Panenka I’d be insulted every time another player than Panenka does it. It’s like borrowed fame. And it’s always done by egocentric weirdo’s who want to turn their penalty into a piece of art.

The ultimate rape of the panenka was by Zidane during the WC finals in 2006. He couldn’t refrain himself and wanted to humiliate the Italians. And it was the worst and ugliest panenka ever. He hit the bar and the ball just barely passed the goal line.

Zidane spit in the face of Panenka. He broke the law. A panenka needs to look as if the player was actually vacuum cleaning. As if you’re on the way to the butcher and you happen to come across the ball. You simply walk it into the goal, shopping bag in hand. A panenka happens to you. Zidane wanted to own the panenka and the result was devastating. A pityful panenka is a bad panenka. You can feel sorry for the player. The whole point is you need to pity the goalie. To degrade him to a legham without hands.

But it can get worse. Last week, Suarez took the ugliest of them all. The moment was good. There was something to win. Ajax was 1-0 down. This penalty was worth millions. Dead or the gladiola’s. An ideal moment for a panenka. But alas, the penalty takes was an autistic Uruguayan. The stupidest panenka ever was the result. And you could see it. He over-acted the run up. He overdid it. As if he wanted to hit the ball out of the stadium. A kid could see it coming. And Suarez doesn’t have the right panenka personality. Because you can’t expect a normal penalty from him to begin with. AZ goalie Joey Didulica expected everything bar a normal penalty. Someone who’s combing and designing his hair three hours a day isn’t capable of taking a normal penalty. He will never just hit the ball in the goal and score.

And that’s the good thing about Panenka’s invention. When it’s executed in the wrong way, it looks devastating for the taker. The original player knew no fear. Van Basten later said he wasn’t angry at Suarez. It’s just his make up. You never know what Suarez does. But it’s nonsense. Because Didulica knew exactly what Suarez was doing. And so he stopped the ball.

But, Suarez can rest assured another Ajax player once took an even more dreadful penalty. One Johan Cruyff once deployed a kindergarten penalty in two go’s with Jesper Olsen.
Panenka would be ashamed to do it like that…

Tags: Ajax, Cruyff, Didulica, Dijkshoor, Group C, Suarez, Van Basten

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Comments

Displaying the most recent 25 comments from a total of 37 comments.

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By sonneveld | May 9th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

robben stay
van nistelrooy stay

sneijder
van der vaart
drenthe
huntelaar
all go

Maduro played another good game and is impressing a lot of people (maybe van marwijk)

By ferenc | May 9th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

maduro was great today. i think juande ramos doesn’t like at all dutch players. huntelaar is a bench warmer. why? he scored 8 goals in 6 games. raul did nothing,absolutely nothing today. javi garcia started instead of vdv. who the hell is this javi garcia? this is an insult against dutch players. all of them should leave and forget this club of idiots. the way real played today was pathetic. think this is the worst madrid i have ever seen. Marc: c. ronaldo will never go to madrid,he said this week. why should he go there? no reason,it would be 10 steps backward. yesterday i said that hunter should stay,today i say all of them should go. the problem is that we can suggest this and that club but they really should look at where to go and face the reality becsuse we want to see oranje-players playing and not being the back-ups of javia garcia quality footballers. italy seems a good destination for some of them. valencia in spain. maybe atletico. some english teams like arsenal. bayern,hamburg. and obviously dutch teams. i remember when sneijder said: “hey,i’m a real madrid player and you should treat me as a real madrid player.” bullshit. i’m sure his opinion has changed. alkmaar is definitely better than real madrid.

Posted from Hungary

By Michel-Olivier | May 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm

Maduro should replace Ooijer in the dutch back four

Posted from United States

By sonneveld | May 9th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vx7vgzd9rs&feature=channel_page

a video about arjen robben i’ve created to prove he passes(MUST WATCH)

By Carlos | May 9th, 2009 at 8:39 pm

Just read that van Gaal has agreed terms with Bayern M. Furthermore the talk is that Stijn Schaars wll join him there. Interesting, but nothing confirmed

Posted from Singapore

By Carlos | May 10th, 2009 at 3:52 am

The Euro U/17 champonships are on at the moment and Holland is one of the teams partcipating. Alex/Goose or whoever is in Holland – Any names to look out for ? Didn’t realize we are getting live coverage here.

Posted from Singapore

By Jan | May 10th, 2009 at 5:57 am

Sonneveld… This is magic! The stats, the clips… Well done!

I don’t think we should critize Robben anymore. Sonneveld is like that lawyer in To Kill a Mockingbird or the juror in 12 Angry Men!

Well done!!! Another Oscar coming your way.

By finnster01 | May 10th, 2009 at 6:32 am

Sonneveld, you should make that a documentary!

I was unaware footage actually existed showing Robben passing, never mind not getting injured…

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am

in the U-17 you have Oghuzan Ozyakup who plays for Arsenal and is a really good talent. Apart from that i like Luc Castaignos and Shabir Isoufi from Feyenoord. From the stand-by list Gilliano Wijnaldum is a good prospect.But i haven’t seen very much of the U-17’s so i can’t give you guys any more info. But funny enough i learned that Ozyakup, Isoufi and Castaignos aall scored so far.

BTW
Paris Saint-Germain suppossedly are strongly interested in Gianni Zuiverloon.
Also Juventus want to get Abidal so Barca might just move in for a new left-back this summer (Braafheid? )
Real Madrid got their asses kicked. They seriously need young new defenders. Heinze, Cannavaro and Metzelder really sucked man.
Maduro played a very solid game. His partnership with Raul Albiol is really turning into something remarkable. Very strong duo. And they complement each other very good, both physically strong as well.
I say he does deserve a spot in the netherlands selection more than Ooijer. It’s up to V.Marwijk to make the right decision now.
Boulahrouz played a strong match(full 90 minutes) for Stuttgart against Wolfsburg: 4-1

Wow with all these rumours, could you imagine them actually happening, it would be a step in the right direction:

Zuiverloon(Paris SG)
Mathijsen(Hamburg SV)
Maduro(Valencia)
Heitinga(Atletico Madrid)
Braafheid(Barcelona)
Boulahrouz(VfB Stuttgart)
Marcellis(PSV)
Bouma(Aston Villa)

Posted from Netherlands

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am

Didn’t see Valencia Real Madrid completely myself, but some people are just blown away by Maduro. They don’t hold back, saying things like he is the next real Stam, and he controls attackers in the same way as Nesta did in his prime.
Knew he was doing good, but if he’s playing that impressive to non dutch football fans. Just go ahead and put him in oranje next to Mathijsen, Boulahrouz or Heitinga immidiately, which one out of the next three sounds best to you guys?

LB-Mathijsen-Maduro-Heitinga
LB-Maduro-Heitinga-Zuiverloon or V.d.Wiel
LB-Maduro-Boulahrouz-Heitinga

Posted from Netherlands

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am

if you have another suggestion besides those, go ahead.

Posted from Netherlands

By Jeroen | May 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am

For me there is only one person who can play RB right now and that is v.d.Wiel. Personally, I would like to see

Left: Gio/Braafheid (jury is still not final on these two). If Braafheid goes to Barcelona, then it comes a no-brainer because of Gio’s age.
Center: Mathijsen/Maduro (depends who is doing better; glad to hear maduro is improving)
Center: Marcellis. If Jaap Stam says he is the future of Dutch defense, that’s all I need to know.
Right: v.d. Wiel. He has solidified his position in my opinion. Finally a winger who can REALLY run up the line. This way we have someone who can drive through on the left (Robben) and right (v.d. Wiel). I think Kuyt and v.d. Wiel will complement each other very well, since Kuyt is more defensive than the other midfielders, while v.d. Wiel is more offensive than the other defenders. Hell, the guy’s first start in the national team against Scotland he was already running rampant by the second half. If he can perfect his cross to hit Hunter’s head every time, they are going to be deadly. I gotta say I still like the idea of dropping van Bommel back to the CB or right in front of it so that we can clear up a holding position for Sneijder, such that

—————————Steks——————————
v.d.Wiel——–Marcellis/Mathijsen/Maduro——-Gio/Braafheid
—————-van Bommel——————————
————-Sneijder——————de Jong————–
—–Kuyt—————Van Persie——————-Robben
———————–Huntelaar———————

The reason I choose to put de Jong left is because Robben is the last player to come back and help defend. So it’s better to put De Jong behind in, who is defensively much stronger than Sneijder. Sneijder is just an additional playmaker who can help build up the game from the back, with van Bommel building it up from the very back. Sneijder and Van Persie are just so good that neither of them should sit on the bench. This way that is possible.

Posted from Netherlands

By sonneveld | May 10th, 2009 at 11:03 am

don’t forget mathijsen is left footed and i am pretty sure he has played left back

we could play

v.d.wiel marcellis maduro mathijsen

they are all young which is and issue for the now but the future looks good on defense.

it will be interesting to see where zuiverloon moves this summer cause he says he wants to make the world cup and won’t do that on a championship side. his performances are back up again apparently. and there is a chance west brom remarkably could still stay up.

What is happing with our goalies? how are vorm and velthuizen? they are main problem right now.

By Michel-Olivier | May 10th, 2009 at 11:33 am

————–Stekelenburg————-
v.d.Wiel-Maduro-Mathijsen-v.Bronckhorst
Kuijt—-Schaars—-v.Bommel—-Robben
——–v.Persie—–Huntelaar——

Posted from United States

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Amazingly WBA could still stay up, they won from Wigan Athletic and Hull, Middlesbrough and Newcastle now all within the grasp of West Brom. The last two playing each other on monday.

I personally wouldn’t exclude Heitinga just yet. I feel it’s better to play Heitinga who recovered from loss of form than inexperienced Marcellis, besides he has the advantage playing in la Liga for a big club.
Mathijsen isn’t that young anymore.

For leftback i put my hopes on Braafheid, if not this summer, if he would be able to make some impressive displays in CL or Europa league he might be of to a big club after all, currently i rate him higher that Gio.
V.Bronckhorst just doesn’t do it for me anymore, great runs sometimes, but defenitaly doesn’t have it in him anymore.
And Bouma still coping with injurie aftermath.

So with Maduro included my current defensive line-up with a modest view to the future would be set besides one position.

Braafheid, Maduro, Heitinga would have the advantage at this point for me.

With a decision to be made about either a right-back Zuiverloon/V.d.Wiel or center back like Marcellis.

Now if Heitinga were to dissapoint at CB. It would make choices a bit more easy.
Then we would need another CB to partner with Maduro, so with the current situation it would be between older Mathijsen, Boulahrouz and younger Marcellis, so currently three obvious choices.
If Heitinga were to form a good couple with Maduro, right back would seem the easiest decision to make, either Zuiverloon or V.d.Wiel. But fact is the two don’t differ that much in quality or talent, it would depend on their form at the time of their selection.

So to conclude, until 2010 I would go with this for a while, or at least experiment a bit with it.
Either:
Braafheid-Maduro-Heitinga- (Zuiverloon/V.d.Wiel)
Or:
Braafheid-Maduro-(Mathijsen/Boulahrouz/Marcellis)-Heitinga
That makes 5 possibilities.
When Bouma, Vlaar and Luirink make their full returns, thinks could prove to become even more difficult.
Luxury seems to be growing at the back.

Posted from Netherlands

By sonneveld | May 10th, 2009 at 12:01 pm

the de jong, schaars and van bommel battle should be an interesting one next year.

By Michel-Olivier | May 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

@ sonneveld
also de zeeuw and sneijder

Posted from United States

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 4:50 pm

You’re right.
I think defenitaly if the results turn dissapointing, lots of criticism and arguments will be about the holding duo. Whether or not to play with 2 holding midfielders or with one and one extra creative one is an interesting subject. Personally I think V.Bommel could be in for a rough time. De Jong will only improve playing weekly in PL. Schaars and De Zeeuw are able to challenge V.Bommel and at least give him some motivation.

Posted from Netherlands

By Alex | May 10th, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Well, just learned something very confusing.
Heitinga made a convincing performance again according to Goal.com which gave him a good rating on the player ratings of the match, yet i also found him on match review and he was named flop of the match by Goal.com, with a 5? I can’t tell what to think, cause i didn’t see the game.

Posted from Netherlands

By bobotoh | May 10th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

I am confused. Heitinga is at Atl. Madrid, while Maduro at Valencia. But, as far as I know, Maduro is not a center back, but he is more a defensive midfielder. But, at Valencia, Maduro plays as a center back?

Posted from Indonesia

By Tiju | May 10th, 2009 at 11:01 pm

@bobotoh Maduro is tall 1.86 cm and strong and he can read the game and has good vision also,altimatly he has a superfootballing brain.Only one problem is he is not so hardworking.

Posted from India

By finnster01 | May 10th, 2009 at 11:14 pm

@Tiju: 1.86 isn’t that tall anymore, especially as you have it expressed in cm…

Anyway, we need a two meter.

By Jan | May 11th, 2009 at 12:26 am

Finn, it’s about timing too. Players like Puyol and Cannavaro aren’t too tall either, but they’re both tremendous jumpers.

Maduro has the same “problem” as Rijkaard, Redondo and Berbatov. They appear to be slow, but they aren’t really. They have that taciturn style but their minds and eyes are pretty quick.

By Tiju | May 11th, 2009 at 4:31 am

@jan agreed on quick eyes and mind
@sorry fin its 186cm anyways i belive this should be the minimum height of a central diffender.
@jan our franc de boer was a jumper(High jumper)h ha ha

Posted from India

By Caleb | May 11th, 2009 at 10:38 am

@sonneveld – your video isn’t working anymore… I was looking forward to seeing it. I already knew that Robben does pass though – I’ve seen him make many good passes this year, but usually the person he passes it to doesn’t make the most of it (Higuain usually). Robben is sometimes selfish, but he is capable of some excellent passes too.

@Marc – No Dutch players should go to Chelsea!!! That team is the biggest bunch of douchebag whiners, cheaters and divers. I can’t stand watching them play, flopping around with Drogba, Cole and Malouda acting like little girls, Terry and Ballack trying to intimidate the referee, etc. etc. No Dutch players should move to that cesspool until it cleans itself up first. It’s really too bad, because they used to be classy and I used to like watching them (before Mourinho messed them up).

Posted from Canada